Keepersofthegarden

by NinaRagzs KeepersoftheGarden

Residue is defined as “a small amount of something that remains after the main part has gone or been taken or used”.  The residue from our life as an orphan have left heart breaking pain,anguish,anxiety,vulnerability and constant fear.

I was not progressing and remained stuck from the trauma in my life. I was living life from an unfortunate place. I created walls in my life to survive. I did not ever want to feel a repeat of pain from being discarded and in my opinion,thrown away. I didn’t want to feel the rejection of being dismissed by the woman who birthed me and the family that let her leave me.

I am guilty of sabotaging my own relationships because of the fear factor of being hurt,dismissed and discarded. The pain of feeling unloved,irrelevant and unwanted was just too much to keep repeating, so up came the wall(s).

I became the person repeating the behavior of discarding and dismissing people like they don’t matter. Treating people as they have no feelings with no remorse. I had no value in the fact that I may need them or they may need me. I had to protect myself and not let people in so I was not vulnerable. I expected the worst from people,so actually I never gave relationships a chance. I just waited for people to prove me right. I carried life alone and always in 911 mode. I was never really investing,expecting positive nor enjoying the good people in my life.

We have been abandoned and hurt by people who claimed to love us. We have been physically and verbally abused by people closest to us. We have been drastically misunderstood while trying to extend love and help. We are guilty of settling for the poorest relationships because we are broken. It has been hard,if not impossible to allow new people in our lives. We haven’t been on the receiving end of a positive,healthy relationship in a long time,if ever. 

I was living Ephesians 4:14.

Ephesians 4:14 

 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

God however said, Be no longer like a child, grow up. He said live for purpose,on purpose,my purpose for your life. God called me to line up and be healed of this. He alone was pulling me up and out! Lift your hands and let God pull you out of the quicksand before it totally consumes you.

These unfortunate painful places will make your personality unpleasant,unlikable,unlovable and unappreciative. You won’t be good company so people won’t want to be around you. You can’t be a good friend because you expect everyone to mistreat you and look like some past relationship. We isolate ourselves and use every excuse to “not do people”.  We overthink everyone’s behavior. We assume people don’t like us,so we don’t engage. We sit on the “safe island alone”.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

11 Therefore encourage one anotherand build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.